The Search is Over

The Search is Over

Please allow me to share my own love story with the Lord.

I am Mark Jimuel Castillo of Cebu City. Just an ordinary kid from an ordinary family. But when I ask about my parents and other people about me who have been with me while I grow up, I was not an ordinary kid.

I am the eldest of the 3 children; my mother told me that I was very active kid, very hyperactive. I do not know how to deplete my energy, jumping, running around, skipping, and rolling all over, always searching for something. But she also noticed peculiarity in me, even as a small kid, I have already shown interest in religion, in saints and about God.

During elementary days I volunteer myself to be an altar boy to a nearby chapel dedicated to Our Lady of the Miraculous Medal, run by the DC Sisters, there I learn more about my faith and deep love for the Lord. There I can vividly remember my phony ambition that someday I will become a priest, for the reason that is not so genuine, I want to be a priest so that I want to be rich. Huh? Yes, because I was thinking then that the collections during the offertory are intended to pay for the priest. Very shallow reason indeed.

Until I grow up it seems I never lost my childlike heart; happy, optimistic, cheerful and full of life. I am a friend of many because of these traits. My father also instilled in me other values like being ambitious and hardworking. During high school I am involved with school activities, and holds position in different organizations and classroom posts, that I have to leave my service as an altar boy. But deep within, my devotion to God remain the same, but the thought of priesthood seem to be blown away by my preoccupation.

And I reached college. I was uncertain of what degree to take up. A good 60% of my batch mates took nursing because that was a hit at that time, I can’t! I am a hemophobic (irrational fear of blood). Since I want to travel and tour the world, I took tourism for one semester. But I am not challenged of the program so I shifted to Management Accounting, then I forgot that I can’t tolerate so much numbers in one setting, how much more for a lifetime, so, it just lasted also for one semester. Until I landed into the Business Department where I convinced myself that I should stop wandering and searching around and settle in that degree. Thankfully I graduated.

During college days, in order to support my provisions and my own expenditures I work part-time as a service crew in a fast-food chain. I gain a lot of friends there and I was quite happy. After graduation I was then ask to take an exam for managerial position, and by November I started my training. I could say that I was quite contented of what I am doing. But deep inside there is no peace. Worldly things and ambitions almost drown me. During that time, I begin to question my heart, what I really want to do. I went to discover myself and my talents. I took violin lessons and also study Spanish (two of my greatest ambition) but it didn’t work. Then I started to take and note down possible options for my career. Either I will resign and apply to Canada or Middle East where food-chain managers are very in demand. I was also reprimanded by my father to take Solas in order to acquire a Seaman’s book, a main requirement to apply in a Cruise ship (where my father worked for 7 contracts). I was also able to pass the Civil Service Exam because if all else fails, I am hoping I could get a job in the government so that I can retire early and enjoy its retirement benefits.

I was restless then. Until one day, my superior ask me that I will be a borrow manager in Tacloban for one month, that I was half hearted, I never knew what Tacloban but still I accepted it. I was alone, no internet, no newspaper, no television, no parties, but I prayed. I consider it as my personal retreat in the world I used to. Every day I go to a church and prayed for my purpose. It was also there that I learned that prayer is a two way communication. It was there that I appreciate silence. For the longest time, I was always the one who talks, asks and demand from God, I was busy then in listening to Him, maybe because of the noise around me and inside of me. It was also there that I shifted my prayer, from “Lord this is what I want” into “Lord what you want me to do for you?” I returned to Cebu refreshed and enlightened.

The first thing I did is to join a Holy Week retreat organized by the Redemptorist; I then feel the calling of God to serve Him and His people. After that, I was preparing myself for my confirmation of the Holy Spirit and it is also my first time to attend the Life in the Spirit Seminar where I felt the call of God even stronger. Then I begin to see myself serving in the catholic community that I belong. I was a regular attendee of their prayer meeting way back 2011 but I was not yet serving then. I was then led also to a foundation to volunteer myself to assist the youth outreach for the street children.

In between I was also searching for vocations and read story about conversion and about the calling. I inquire maybe about 6 religious societies and congregations thru e-mail, asking them on the process of discernment. Then one day, as I was browsing my facebook, there, I noticed a black and white picture of a priest, who was a doctor and a priest at the same time, wow! and at the bottom of the picture was an invitation of the Vocation Seminar for Jesuits, I find it strange at first since I know that the Vocation Month in Cebu is every February with its Vocation Jamboree as its culmination, but still I texted the contact person.

My family knows my religiosity. My devotion. My intense admiration to God. Some of my friends also do. Despite my outgoing, cheerful and funny personality, deep inside I am very much in love with God. My parents also see in me when I was still a kid, the potentials of becoming a priest, but at that time, same with me, I was never serious about it.

God disturbs me. It was just only a joke back then that I would be a priest because I want to earn lots of money. But then, I was really meant to serve God, I was born for Him. I will quote from the famous song of David Pomeranz:

“That I was born for you
It was written in the stars
Yes, I was born for you
And the choice was never ours
It's as if the powers of the universe
Conspired to make you mine
And til the day I die,
I bless the day that I was born for you”

Fast forward, I think I passed the exam and I had three interviews and one of them is the Vocations Director. He asked me then how I came to know about the Jesuits, I said it was because of St. Ignatius of Loyola (I was very interested in the lives of saints at an early age). But honestly I never knew of a Jesuit priest, never admired them before, do not know of their advocacies and apostolate.  But as I thoroughly reflect, why I choose to be a Jesuit maybe this could shed light. 

I was born on December 27, the feast day of St. John the Evangelist who is the one who laid his head on the breast of Jesus, close to His heart. That day also is the memorial of the first apparition of Jesus to St. Mary Margaret Alacoque, and reveals to Him His Sacred Heart. Three months after, I was baptized, and in all of the churches and parishes of Cebu City, I was baptized in the Parish dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus (we are not part of the parish restriction). The church in Tacloban that I paid a visit every day and that was a crucial point in my calling was the church also dedicated to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. And then of all the religious societies and congregations that I inquire, the Jesuits are the most generous, for they are the ones who replied and willingly assist me. As I then searched, I was brought to my senses that the Jesuits are the prime promoters of the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

Pretty coincidence huh! But I think it was not just a mere co-incidence this was divine providence. The heart of Jesus is where the fountain of life is. It is where I can find peace and love that the world cannot give. The Heart of Jesus is inviting me to surrender all my options and personal ambitions, even my family to Him.

God’s hand is at work, He lead me to places, persons and possibilities. And these are the ones who completed my puzzle. I have meet and experience them in order to know my purpose, each of them is part of my puzzle. As the famous song of the Survivors:

“I never knew who brought me here, as if somebody led my hand

It seems I have hardly steered, my course was planned.

And destiny that guides us all, and by His hand we rise and fall.

But only moment in time, enough to catch our breath again.

And it was just another piece of the puzzle, just another part of the plan.

How one life touches the other, it’s so hard to understand.

Still we walk this road together, we travel go as far as we can.

And we have waited for this moment in time. Ever Since the world began”

I have shared this love story hoping that one day I will become a good Jesuit priest. I am now part of the VDP here in Cebu and praying and hoping I will be accepted in the pre-novitiate. Before, I was like riding in a carousel, round and round nowhere to go and left with so many options, but now I have found God’s will, I believe that His will is within the deepest desires of my heart, and my desire is to serve him in the priesthood. Before, while I am in search of my true happiness and purpose, God is also looking for me and as soon I found Him “the pearl of great price” I can now stop searching. Quoting again from another song of the Survivors:

“I was living for a dream, loving for a moment.

Taking on the world, that was just my style.
Then I touch Your hand, I can hear You whisper.

THE SEARCH IS OVER, Love was right before my eyes.”